Praise for Chosen Families

Prv. 18:24

Holidays with family have been a hallowed tradition in all cultures and for many generations. As treasured as those times are by many who enjoy being with their relatives - there are many who, for different reasons, can’t, or choose not, show up for festive family reunions. Sometimes it's the distance, and oftentimes the differences that simply make those familial gatherings more burden than fun. These days, and on this day, with widening political divisions and debates that turn toxic, there are more and more reasons for people who prefer to curate their own holiday traditions - with chosen families instead. 

The biblical authors of Proverbs prioritize family ties and loyalties as any ancient text would, but there is also reference in this chapter for the ways in which we sometimes choose our friends over families, and find trust and joy in bonds that are not blood related. Either way, Wisdom wishes us to not be lonely and to avoid isolation as much as we can.  

Chapter 18 begins and ends with reflections on the important role of social ties for our wellbeing: 

לְֽ֭תַאֲוָה יְבַקֵּ֣שׁ נִפְרָ֑ד בְּכׇל־תּ֝וּשִׁיָּ֗ה יִתְגַּלָּֽע׃

Those who isolate themselves pursue their desires;

They disdain all competence.

Prv. 18:1

The chapter’s last verse returns to this theme - with a statement that honors friendship beyond family, perhaps as a way to remind us that we matters most is having people in our lives in whom we trust and can share our deepest truths: 

אִ֣ישׁ רֵ֭עִים לְהִתְרֹעֵ֑עַ וְיֵ֥שׁ אֹ֝הֵ֗ב דָּבֵ֥ק מֵאָֽח׃

There are companions to keep one company,

And there is a beloved more devoted than a sibling.

Prv. 18:24

The original Hebrew words here, in the masculine, evoke the homoerotic  - a lover cleaves better than a brother. But what is likely meant here is that even back in biblical days, in some cases, some chose to prioritize friendships over familial obligations. 

In an insightful essay published with On Being, Courtney E. Martin, wrote about the praise of chosen families, with some practical and wise advice: 

“The holidays can be a wonderful, horrible time for many people. We are reminded — over gelatinous fruitcake, no less — that, though we love our families, we may not always like our families. We frequently don’t see eye to eye — a life-giving force if we have the wherewithal to explore it. They often can’t give us what we need, whether that’s praise or space or just the simplest of utterances: I’m proud of you, I see you, I love you.

..This is the nature of growing up and growing away, of being someone who sheds some legacies while embracing others, of turning a critical, albeit compassionate, eye on our origins. As common as it is, it never gets any less complicated. 

So consider this for a resolution: become a fierce talent scout of amazing friends. Make your crew your finest act of curatorial courage. Just as many wise spiritual teachers have argued that our thoughts beget our actions, I would argue that our friends beget our culture. They become the force we measure ourselves against, the source of so much of our joy and courage. They are our respite, and our welcomed responsibility. And all that choosing makes for a very rich life.”

Listen to Her.

However this day and other holy days ahead are spent, I hope we choose to spend them well, that there is time and space for being there for others who need us as much as we need them, and for being with other beings who help each other make it through these tough times, with empathy and solidarity, humor and hope, gratitude and joy.

Wishing us days of more peace and unity in the world, and a delicious, meaningful and heartwarming holiday today, with thanksgiving for all the gifts that life awards.

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