Verbal De-escalation Training
Prv. 15:1
Words are the building blocks of creation - and chaos. With a single syllable we can choose to uplift pride or degrade dignity. A txt message, sentence in a letter or careless whisper can make us smile or destroy our day and sometimes rupture a relationship. How can we be wiser with our words and learn to lean into better communication even when what’s at stake are complicated differences of opinion, legitimate hurts and insults that shut us down or turn up our rage?
It’s called De-escalation. And we need it more than ever.
Wisdom wants us to be more conscious and cautious with every expression of our lips, or finger tips, and with every intention and interaction. She is right, and we must listen.
Chapter 15 begins with advice for de-escalation of conflict and continues with multiple parallel aphorisms that all focus on the art of kind speech and tender conversation.
In today’s world of increased toxicity, fast pace fake news, bullying and lack of empathy for other perspectives - this wisdom can and should go a long way.
Listen to Her:
מַֽעֲנֶה־רַּ֭ךְ יָשִׁ֣יב חֵמָ֑ה וּדְבַר־עֶ֝֗צֶב יַעֲלֶה־אָֽף׃
A gentle response allays wrath;
A harsh word provokes anger.
Prv. 15:1
How many times a day do we react to someone’s real or perceived criticism, even rage, with a harsh reaction of our that escalates the situation?
What would happen if we took a breath, waited a moment before replying, and then did so with a tender tone instead of with anger, remembering that we all carry unspoken grief, frustration, fear and rage?
The 14th Century Spanish-Jewish scholar and mystic Rabbeinu Bahya wrote about this verse, ascribing its wisdom, as it tradition, to King Solomon:
“Solomon warns us in this verse to train ourselves to become mature enough to respond in measured tones even to extreme provocations. A softly worded reply is apt to reduce the wrath of someone who had expressed themself very angrily. On the other hand, provocative responses are apt to incite the party to whom they are addressed.”
The reminder to tone down our rage is connected to the need for us to double down on empathy - and on what we nowadays call ‘Emotional Intelligence” - the attitude that is increasingly recognized as a critical factor in effective conflict resolution.
Hochmah - the feminine wisdom that is the voice and hallmark of Proverbs, whether ascribed to Solomon or not -- is often recognized nowadays as a formative form of emotional intelligence - the way intuition can prioritize guts and heart over the mind and masculine-patriarchal systems. Perhaps here too this advice to lower the volume and prefer tender words over harsh speech can be connected to this women-led wisdom that we need so much of in the world.
Wisdom will remind us again and again to think before we speak and feel before we respond, and again and again she will remind us that this is the life-force and the choice that we’ve been given from the very beginning of time.
In another one of the verses from this chapter Wisdom is once again referred to as the primordial Tree of Life - the original crime scene in Eden, where the first choice was taken to eat from the tree and start differentiation between good and bad:
מַרְפֵּ֣א לָ֭שׁוֹן עֵ֣ץ חַיִּ֑ים וְסֶ֥לֶף בָּ֝֗הּ שֶׁ֣בֶר בְּרֽוּחַ׃
A healing tongue is a tree of life,
But a devious one makes for a broken spirit.
Prv. 15:4
What can we each do, especially in the middle of so many conflicts, to enhance empathy, soften our speech, pause before we hurt each other, and hold on to the tree of life, wisdom, compassion and peace with tender care of our shared legacy of life? Listen to Her.
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Of course, nowadays there's a whole neuroscience of interpersonal conflict which shows why we humans are such "reaction machines" in conflict situations, and entire professions, such as conflict coaching, to support people in one-on-one training to get better at having crucial conversations of all kinds. As the verses which you quote attest, none of this is all that rocket-science-y and is in fact ancient wisdom with no real need for neuroscience backup. But at the same time, it's surprising and sad how little knowledge of these skills is out there in the wider community. When I trained as a conflict coach to enhance my mediator skills, a fellow student and I looked at each other and said: "Where has this skillset been all our lives?"
Curiously (or perhaps not) we have similar advice from a totally different tradition. Confucius warns: "Respect without manners leads to toil; caution without manners leads to timidity; courage without manners leads to chaos; frankness without manners leads to pain."
We should speak politely.
https://open.substack.com/pub/authorjoelmhoffman/p/monday-motivation-be-polite-and-go-with-the-flow-november-4-2024